I Needed A Break From Everything — and I Don’t Feel Guilty About It
I'm back, baby! I finally got around to transferring my site platform as well as giving it a little update in terms of my "branding." It's something new and exactly what I needed to devote my time and energy into as I've had quite a bit of unexpected down time recently.
Unfortunately, the company I was working at was acquired by another establishment which lead to a ton of layoffs. I was a part of the group of people who were left thinking, "What the hell am I going to do?!" I was scared, anxious, and felt extremely vulnerable.
The sudden freedom of time really pushed me to deal with a lot of internal conflict I didn't realize I still needed to work on. I firmly believe that one of the most valuable relationships you'll have is with yourself, and you can't give your best self to other people if you don't focus on your well-being.
So I made the leap to commit to a 30-day yoga journey and meditation to put myself first. I had the time and wasn't ashamed of making everything else — love, family, friends, hobbies, work — secondary.
And when I say that I felt like I could breathe again, I'm not saying it to fluff up what I was facing. It wasn't sunshine and rainbows but there was a part of me that opened up and let go plenty of the guilt I had been storing away. I honestly felt like I was subconsciously de-prioritizing myself to make way for work and other people, and I enjoyed that because it meant I didn't have to face a lot of internal shit head on.
After dedicating a month to solely pay attention to both my mental and physical health, I knew there was another challenge I had to take on: this blog.
When I was at my previous job — no, not the one that did the layoffs but the one before that — I had no energy or creative juice to really center on my own content. As a journalist, I had given my all to staying on top of trends, news, and social media so that I could create pieces for work. That type of occupation consumes your life and is exhausting; even those silly/fun listicles you see on BuzzFeed and Refinery29 take more time than you think.
So, after almost two and a half years I decided to change careers (again) and had big plans for this space. Even though I had the mental capacity to really kick it off, it didn't happen as I had envisioned. For a brief moment I had let the pressure of the current state of the content creating industry overwhelm me. "Can I be good enough?" "What's the point?" "Do people even read this thing?" It was another long list of fear-based excuses, if I'm going to be really transparent here.
Now that I wasn't tied down to a 9-6 and felt like a new human after learning how to practice self-care regularly, I truly had no reason to treat my blog like an after thought. After all, this makes me happy.
I felt so proud that I did everything on my own. It took me two weeks, countless of old Photobucket image downloads, and hours of external hard drive digging to transfer the images alone. What came next — the look and layout — was the hardest part of all. I spent days coming up with ideas and scrapped them in mere seconds. But one day it all just clicked. After talking to my girlfriend about what I wanted to do with it, she said 12 magical words that changed my way of thinking: "You don't have to make it harder than it needs to be."
I felt miserable because of how long it was taking me to do something so simple, and that mentality is what kept setting me back. I learned to let go and come back to it when it felt right.
In between it all, I have allowed myself to simply relax — and relax as much as one can while they're trying to find their next gig.
I could have let this situation really spiral me into a weird place, but it's the break I didn't know I desperately needed.
I think the universe was telling me that it's okay to slow down and not know how everything is going to pan out. This hiccup is only momentary and I'm exactly where I need to be right now for whatever reason that may be.
Coat — Zara / Jeans — Topshop / Shoes — Topshop / Sweater — H&M / Hat — Brixton
Photos by LadyLooLauren