I'm Finally Ready To Talk About Why 27 Was A Weird Year For Me

ymijan

When I turned 27 years old, I told myself that it was going to be the best year of my life. I had a whole "27 Things That Made Me Smile When I Was 27" post queued up in my mind and challenged myself to write down these special moments as a self-reflective list for myself. But when my 28th birthday crept up in April, there was one problem: I couldn't recall the experiences that made me shine because the gray, off days outweighed them by a landslide. 

ymijan

I kept trying to fill in my faux list every time I came back to this blog, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. April passed, May came and went, and here we are at June — and in order for me to start posting more regularly, I need to be honest with myself. I admire people who are transparent and vulnurable because at the end of the day we're all human, and I believe in the power of being able to relate to someone else. So, let me break down why 27 dragged me down:

I WAS UNEMPLOYED: This was a dagger right through my heart. I had switched my career again and found a gig that seemed so promising. My team was great, the benefits were nice and cozy, and I felt like I was on the up-and-up...only to be a part of the company-wide layoffs after 3 months into it. It was a bit of a shock to the system and a clear "What the fuck do I do now?!" moment in my life. Some days were better than others, but it was almost impossible for me not to feel my anxiety — amplified — on a daily basis. It taught me a lot about letting myself lean on my friends for support, reaching out for help, and dropping an ego I didn't think was there.

ymijan

I STOPPED CARING:  I am empathetic to a fault. I care too much and tend to put other people before myself. But at some point during this year, I gave up on that side of me.

I REALLY GOT IN MY HEAD: And because I did, I became a shell of a person. 

ymijan

I HAD A HARD TIME WITH MY OVERALL CONFIDENCE: This was both a mental and physical battle. I have been working hard at trying to boost my confidence across all areas, but there was something about this year that made me feel like I took 500 steps back. It had taken a dive before the news of unemployment hit my office, and it definitely spiraled after being let go. 

ymijan

I FELT STUCK: I felt like everyone else around me were living their lives while I was on a never-ending freeze frame. Even when I was out doing things, it felt like a routine I could't get out of. Everything was boring to me, and as the saying goes, "Only boring people get bored" and I don't particularly find myself to be a drag. Feeling like I had no control over my happiness — even though I did — made me feel less than.

ymijan

I DIDN'T CROSS THINGS OFF MY LIST/I DIDN'T MAKE THINGS HAPPEN FOR ME: I set a measurable amount of goals and felt like I came up short; which probably was a result of the points above like not caring and getting in my head. It almost felt like I was a failure to myself. I was 27 and pride myself in making things happen, so why hadn't I accomplished what seemed so tangible at one point? 

ymijan

But at the end of the day, I think I put way too much pressure on myself for this mystical year, when life had other plans for me. I usually tend to set intentions and goals for the New Year, but the one time I centered it on a birthday it BLEW UP IN MY FACE. Call it being jaded or learning what works for me but I don't think I'm going to hyper-focus on specific milestones I want out of my years. I do think it's healthy to have ambition and plan, but I'm just gonna let life take me where I'm supposed to go for while.

ymijan

I have to remember with every low, there's a high. Life is beautifully weird and balanced like that. I turned 28 on April 3rd of this year and life already feels different only three months in. Maybe 27 was supposed to be terrible so 28 could be great. 

ymijan

And now that I got that off my chest, you'll be seeing more of me on here. I promise it won't always be this sad on my side of the internet.